The squirrel population of Furman University has officially organized under the banner of United Acorn Workers Local 1826, presenting campus administration with a list of demands that includes dental coverage and "at least three good climbing trees per quad."

The unionization effort began after the university installed new "squirrel-proof" bird feeders, which the squirrels described as "a direct attack on our way of life."

"We've been providing ambiance to this campus for over 150 years," said union representative Whiskers McFluffytail through an interpreter. "It's time we got some respect."

Among the union's demands: guaranteed acorn storage facilities, protection from "that one professor who always throws pinecones," and a seat on the university's board of trustees.

University President Elizabeth Davis released a statement calling the negotiations "challenging but productive," adding that she "never thought she'd have to explain fiduciary responsibility to a rodent."

Classes have been suspended until further notice after the squirrels blockaded the library entrance with a wall of nuts.