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Monday, January 5, 2026

The Upstate Owl

"Watching the Upstate Since 2024" • Greenville, South Carolina

Greenville Man's First Thought Upon Hearing Maduro Captured: 'Wonder What This'll Do To Gas Prices'

Local resident admits he "couldn't find Venezuela on a map" but remains deeply concerned about potential impact at the pump

By Staff Writer·
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Greenville Man's First Thought Upon Hearing Maduro Captured: 'Wonder What This'll Do To Gas Prices'

GREENVILLE, SC — Upon learning that U.S. Special Forces had captured Venezuelan President Nicolás Maduro in a dramatic overnight military operation, area resident Keith Drummond, 54, immediately expressed concern about what the historic geopolitical event might mean for fuel prices at the QT on Woodruff Road.

"Look, I'm not gonna pretend I know all the ins and outs of Venezuela or whatever," said Drummond, scrolling past live coverage of explosions in Caracas to check GasBuddy on his phone. "But I do know they've got oil down there, and last time something happened in the Middle East my truck cost $90 to fill up."

Drummond, who drives a 2019 Ford F-150 approximately 4.7 miles to his job at a Mauldin HVAC company, said he first heard about the U.S. military strike while watching Fox News early Saturday morning. He reported experiencing a brief moment of interest in the Delta Force operation before his thoughts quickly turned to his daily commute.

"My buddy Terry texted me 'we got Maduro' and I was like, cool, but then I started thinking—Venezuela's in South America, right? That's pretty close. You gotta figure that's gonna affect something," Drummond explained, gesturing vaguely southward toward what is actually the Greenville Zoo.

When asked about the broader implications of the United States capturing a foreign head of state, including potential responses from Russia and China, Drummond nodded thoughtfully.

"Oh sure, yeah, that's all real important," he said. "But I'm just saying, if this thing kicks off World War III, you better believe I'm topping off the tank today. Costco's got it at $2.47."

Drummond's wife, Karen, confirmed that her husband had spent approximately 45 minutes on Saturday morning reading about potential gas price fluctuations while the television behind him showed live footage of U.S. troops securing Caracas.

"He did say 'good, that guy was a real piece of work' at one point," Karen recalled. "But then he went right back to calculating how much he'd save if he drove to the Spinx in Simpsonville instead of the Circle K by the house."

Political science professor Dr. Amanda Chen of Furman University noted that Drummond's response is fairly typical of American engagement with foreign policy.

"What we're seeing is a classic example of citizens processing major international events through the lens of immediate personal impact," Dr. Chen explained. "It's not that Mr. Drummond doesn't care about Venezuelan democracy or regional stability. It's that he cares about those things approximately 15% as much as he cares about the $0.12 per gallon difference between stations."

At press time, Drummond was asking his neighbor if he thought this whole Venezuela thing would affect the price of the Toro zero-turn mower he'd been eyeing at Lowe's.

Satire Disclaimer: This article is satirical content intended for entertainment purposes only. All names, characters, and incidents are fictional. Any resemblance to real events or persons is coincidental. Learn more